i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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