and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
