Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
