I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
