First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
