your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
40s are totally the cure
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
