____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
