Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
