I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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