East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
