Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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