Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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