I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
