I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
