I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
