My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
