I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
