3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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