You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
