whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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