If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
