she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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