i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
