I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
