this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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