i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
