i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
