I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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