I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
