I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
