I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
