giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
