thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
