My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
