She is in my trunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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