They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
