Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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