I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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