I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
