Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
