her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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