Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
