I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
tell me about the eggs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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