Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
