You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
