my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
