she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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