Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
