if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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