1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
